


In the Name of It

by kanoitrace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, though more admittedly more angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 10:51:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3287561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kanoitrace/pseuds/kanoitrace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was once a time that, without doubt, Castiel could tell you he would outlive Dean Winchester. Now, however, he isn't so sure.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In the Name of It

There was once a time that, without doubt, Castiel could tell you he would outlive Dean Winchester. Now, however, he isn't so sure.

There is, of course, the issue of stolen and fading Grace, but more than that it's simply he's forgotten how to live without Dean. Seven short, oh so human years have made quick work of the billions of years that came before.

Where once there were eons of memories that held his rapt attention- the evolution of the universe, the births and deaths of stars, mankind's first steps before they ever became anything akin to the people of today- now there are green eyes and deft fingers and a gruff voice that has come to mean _safe_ and _home_.

It's by no means perfect. Forget monsters and ancient marks, demons and angels. Forget all of it. That's the easy part. There are books and lore and answers for that. No. The hardest parts are coming to terms with themselves.

_(“Cas, maybe people like us just aren't meant to be happy.”_

_“I don't believe that's true Dean.”)_

_(“Damn it, Cas! You shouldn't even be here! What are you doing hanging around with a fucked up human anyway! Just strap on your wings and go back home! At least they want you there!”_

_“You don't mean that, Dean.”_

_“The hell I don't!”)_

_(“Cas.... Cas, I'm sorry. I shouldn't... I don't...”_

_“I know, Dean.”)_

Some days seems impossible, and even if they outnumber the good ones in quantity, they never could in quality.

Life with Dean, with the Winchesters, with a real sense of belonging and family and free will... Well, Castiel can see why Anna fell.

Humanity is hard, and it is painful. Loving it is even more so. However, Castiel would fall every time- has, if Naomi was to be believed.

_(“Dean.”_

_“Yeah, Cas?”_

_“Did you know I've watched whole galaxies form? Watched the stars and the planets spiral out, ever moving?”_

_“And?”_

_“It's beautiful, Dean. I remember that it looks something like ballet.”_

_“Weird analogy.”_

_“Perhaps.”)_

_(“Hey, Cas, that thing you were talking about, the galaxies and shit.”_

_“What about it, Dean?”_

_“What uh... What brought that up?”_

_“I was just thinking that the stars seems so far away now.”_

_“...Because of your grace? Or... your lack...”_

_“Yes, Dean.”)_

_(“Dean, what's this?”_

_“Tickets. To the uh, to the ballet. Well, not_ the _ballet, but a ballet. Some crappy, little community thing.”_

_“Because of the galaxies.”_

_“Yeah, I mean, I know you said the ballet reminded you of it, so I just... I thought... Damn it, Cas! Will you just take the stupid tickets.”_

_“Thank you, Dean. I love them.”)_

The words go without saying. There's no reason to say them. Castiel knows they are there, knows how he feels, knows how Dean feels. For Castiel, there is no question, and he tries to reassure Dean that there is no question, even without so many words, because Dean wouldn't hear them anyway, too afraid of losing the ones he loves.

Castiel had once wondered how it was humans could throw away so much in the name of a feeling, a chemical reaction in the brain, synapses firing off all kinds of illogical reactions, unpleasant reactions. But now he knows.

Now he understands how lives and countries have been lost in the name of it. He understands why people give up all that they have.

So even if they restore his true Grace, even if they right all the wrongs and solve all the problems, Castiel does not think he could live without Dean Winchester, and he refuses to try. When the day comes, the final one, the _real_ final one, he'll go, too. Because no amount of galaxies coming alive can match green of Dean's eyes.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at [kanoitrace](kanoitrace.tumblr.com).


End file.
